As of April 6, 2008 I am happy to be celebrating my “2nd birthday.” Yes, it’s been two years since my diagnosis of breast cancer at the age of 38. I think every survivor has gone through the “why me’s,” and wondering what we could have done differently to prevent this occurrence. Here I was, a mother of 3, aged 38 with a supportive husband, with no family history, it’s not supposed to happen, is it?
Cancer gave me a greater appreciation of my own instincts. After feeling a very painful lump under my left arm and leaving it for 3 weeks hoping it would go away, common sense took over and I called Dr. Yazdi. Mind you he’s been through 3 births and multiple other things so when I said I had a lump that wasn’t going away, thankfully he didn’t delay in making my appointment. An ultrasound and biopsy was scheduled within the next couple of days, then 4 days of worrying and waiting because deep down inside I knew. We all know our own bodies better than anyone else and something deep inside was telling me that the news was probably not good. At 5:30pm on Tuesday, April 4, 2006 Dr. Yazdi called to tell me what I already knew – I had breast cancer.
Cancer gave me an extraordinary will to live. I read in a book entitled “Bald in the Land of Big Hair” after being diagnosed that “the day you get your cancer diagnosis, you stop dying and start surviving,” and how true that is. You immediately kick into survival mode for the fight of your life. What bothered me most was how to tell my kids, I had 3 daughters who at that time were 3, 4 and 7. Do we just not tell them and hope that I come through this without a lot of bad side effects? That almost seemed deceitful didn’t it? After a lot of praying and deliberating, we decided that our oldest, Daryn was old enough to understand. The younger two were told a minimum of information as processing of this kind of information at that age seemed fruitless. I will never forget our 5 year-old saying after she saw me for the first time with no hair, said “Mom, we love you no matter what, hair really doesn.t make you any less pretty.” Nothing is more precious than the innocence of a child and the honesty that she portrayed in that statement will forever be in my heart. Plus, the fear is always there that this is a genetic form and I pray to God daily that I don’t pass a gene onto them that will make them endure “the fight.”
Cancer gave me a great appreciation of my family, including dear friends. As soon as everyone found out, we weren’t without good food, support, offers of household help, babysitting and whatever else we needed. At first we were overwhelmed and a little hesitant to let people help to the extent that they were volunteering. And a fellow survivor and great friend, Julie Pfeifer told me to let go and allow people to help as it helps them to feel less helpless to do something. Wow, what a difference it makes to just “let go!” A patient’s biggest “job” and priority should be to survive, not worry about things that won’t matter a year from now.
Cancer gave me the courage to help. It seems that since getting my diagnosis, it is a daily occurrence hearing of someone else I know getting ready to “fight the fight.” It has been very healing to me to be able to help someone, make meals, speak to groups trying to raise funds for awareness or research or just listening to fellow survivors. I also participated in a fundraiser here locally to purchase robes for cancer patients undergoing radiation. We used a “Dancing with the Stars” theme with local celebrity dancers and had a grand dinner, entertainment, dancing and so much more. It was a huge success and we were able to purchase some awesome robes all embroidered with different inspirational sayings on them and even had some money left over that we will be able to provide some other additional needed items for our local Cancer center. We will again have the event this year on October 18th raising funds this year to fund scholarships for patients, families and survivors to help them continue their education. “Spreading the word” about awareness and coping have been very mentally healing for me. We all deal with situations in different ways, some go to support groups, some choose to rely solely on family and friends. My healing grace was to be able to hopefully spread the word and help someone else out there. Time will only tell if that has been the case, but at the very least, I feel a greater sense of peace and well-being because of it.
Cancer gave me a greater faith – “faith, family & friends” are what got me through this journey. If you aren’t a believer going into this journey, my feeling is that you will probably be one coming out. Cancer gave me a lot of fear. When undergoing treatment the confidence is there that you and your medical team are doing everything within their power to fight this ugly disease. When treatment is complete, then what? It.s almost like your security blanket is gone and you’re naked just waiting for the “big storm” to hit again. Every time you go in for follow-up blood work, or follow-up testing, the fear is always there nagging at you until you get the clean bill of health again. And, no matter how hard we try to be positive it’s hard to put into words the anxiety that goes into the waiting game.
Cancer made me less vain. Now when you lose your hair (yes, all of it) you learn that physical looks are so over-rated. There was a lot to be said of going through the summer bald, hey you throw on a ballcap and go, what could be easier? I had no bad hair days, saved a ton of money on hair products and mascara, hey it wasn’t all bad!
Cancer gave me a greater appreciation for life. I want to be around to help my girls learn to drive, get ready for their Proms and weddings (help me!) I also want to grow old with my husband and be able to travel and enjoy the world, and even though it’s many years off, be able to hold, play and enjoy my grandchildren. Kim and I recently went on a trip for my job at Staab Management Company down to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. I have always been fairly conservative in my life, but on “my list to do before I die” was parasailing. I went and can’t wait to go again! Life is just too short to put off things that we want to do, thinking we have all of the time in the world to do them. Don.t let anything or anyone hold you back, just do it!
Overall, as strange as it may sound, I’m glad to have gone through this journey. I believe with all of my heart that it made me a better person. I believe that God has a plan for all of us and that we all have a “time” in which we are destined to go onto the next life. I am very grateful to be a self-proclaimed “Cancer Babe” now, I wear the title with pride and hope for all of us that a cure will be found in the very near future. Apparently, my time hasn’t come up yet so I will keep trying to make the most of it. Life is just too short!
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