When someone you know has been diagnosed with cancer thousands of thoughts rush through your head like a speeding bullet. It’s not always easy to find the right words or know when is the right time. Some prefer to say nothing and avoid confrontation while others are there for help and support at a moments notice. Usually it’s something you have never had to think about, but it is something we should all be thinking about.
What do you say to someone you know that has been diagnosed with cancer?
Please share your thoughts or experiences with us…
Follow us on Twitter
Join us on Facebook
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Don’t give the “It will be alright” speech – because unless it is a treatable form with a good prognosis, it will not be.
Don’t say, “I’m sorry”, because pity only helps you to feel better.
Don’t say, “Is there something I can do?” There isn’t. Maybe say a prayer for them in private. It can’t hurt.
Don’t treat them as though it’s over – it’s not. “Not until the fat lady sings.” (Thus – don’t let fat ladies sing)
Don’t burden them with stories of this person and that person dealt with it. This is their body, their illness. Chances are you may not have all the grim details, especially if it is bad.
Don’t try to pull them out of their depression. This is a normal stage of grieving and they need to get through it on their own to reach acceptance. Just as in any death, first comes shock & denile, then anger, bargaining with their higher being, depression and finally acceptance. That’s a journey they need to recconcile on their own.
Be there as a friend. Talk about things you always talked about. Live, laugh and have fun. Allow them to feel normal. they will talk when they are good and ready. Then – chances are – all you need do is listen. If they have come yto a level of acceptance and begin talking about it – ask them if they have a “bucket list” to work on and offer to join in for any adventures.
My brother died from cancer. When told at age 19 he only had a year or two to go he replied to the doctor – “So what. That just means I have less time to do all the things I want to do.”
A friend of ours has terminal cancer. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He’d prefer no one knew. We respect these wishes. Everyone deals with it in their own way. Just be sensitive and feel your way. The signs of what they want will be there.
I don’t think I agree with some of the points above. I think “I’m sorry is a perfectly appropriate response, and one thats easy to deal with. When my then-10-month old son was diagnosed, we had a multitude of different responses, and “I’m sorry” was better than some of the monumentally stupid responses we got.
Particularly for pediatric cancer, “What can we do to help?” is really nice, particularly if you can throw together a meal, pick up some coffee or a video, or do some housecleaning for the beseiged family. Even better: show up to their house and DO something to help. Taking care of something simple like a meal, mowing the lawn, cleaning the kitchen, or something similar can make a huge difference. We had many week-to-month-long hospital stays, and having a friend show up every other week to mow our lawn was a huge lifesaver and helped us feel more comfortable when we finally got home.
If you can’t do any of that, then just pick up a cup of coffee and sit with your friend. Talk about life, or cancer, or baseball, or nothing at all. That companionship is worth a million dollars!
Over the past two years, we’ve gonethrough 20 months of treatment and four months of remission. Our story is on my blog.
I agree with almost everything Musical Daddy said. I would just add that one thing that i want you to consider not doing. Don’t stop calling because you don’t know what to say. It feels very much like being abandoned. I understand some people have a hard time coping, but part of being a friend or family member is being there when the going gets tough. Look within and find the strength to be there, because the person with the diagnosis has no choice but to find the strength to deal with their diagnosis. Having been a caregiver for a child with cancer and now being a cancer patient myself, i feel that this is an important message to get out there! I would personally rather hear something “monumentally stupid” than to hear nothing at all and feel alone on this journey.
For me it’s not so much what I say but it’s “what can I do”. I am not always great with words so for me actions speak louder than words. I will offer to watch children, bake, cook meals, take to treatments and doctor visits, those kind of things.
Musical Daddy, we are 100% in agreement with you. Our son was diagnosed at age 4. Someone saying “I’m sorry” was the easiest to deal with. One of the most hurtful and stupid responses we ever got was this one “All things happen for a reason”. Don’t EVER tell someone that!
Musical Daddy quote “If you can’t do any of that, then just pick up a cup of coffee and sit with your friend. Talk about life, or cancer, or baseball, or nothing at all. That companionship is worth a million dollars!”
Just be there for one another…
If I touch him will I get it too?
You’ve Just Found out That Your Brother or Sister Has got Cancer
“This is so unreal. Old people get really sick – not little kids, right? My brother has cancer, and he is only 10 years old. We found out last week, and it hasn’t even sunk in yet. I wake up every morning thinking this is just a bad dream.”
Your brother or sister has cancer. You won’t catch it if you touch or talk to them.You may have a lot of emotions – feeling numb, afraid, lonely, or angry. One thing is certain – you don’t feel good.
Focus on these facts:
· Alot kids survive cancer. You have good reason to be hopeful that your brother or sister will get better. Today, as many as 8 in 10 kids diagnosed with cancer survive their illness. Many go on to live normal lives. That’s because scientists are discovering new and better ways to find and treat cancer.
· You’re not alone in this. Right now it might seem like no one else in the world feels the way you do. In a way you’re right. No one can feel exactly like you do. But it might help to know that there are other kids who have a brother or sister with cancer. Talking to others may help you sort out your feelings. Remember, you are not alone.
· It’s not your fault. Cancer is a disease with many causes, many of which doctors don’t fully understand. But your brother or sister did not get cancer because of anything you did, thought, or said.
· You can comfort them. Sometimes you’ll be strong for your brother or sister, and sometimes your brother or sister will be strong for you. It’s okay to talk about how hard it is and even cry together.
· Knowledge is power. It can help to learn more about cancer and cancer treatments. Often what you imagine is actually worse than the reality.
The end of this is be yourself and love your brother or sister. They are 10 times as worried as you are. Make sure in your words and actions that they know you love them deeply.